Mah-Shet-Ay! Spoilers!

Ok, ok ok. Having a lot of troubles at home, not the least of which was my internet/cable going out. Soooo I got a buddy who works at the movie theater two minutes away to let me in to the midnight premier of Machete!

 This movie is about an ex-federale(Danny Trejo) who is backstabbed, survives after seeing his loving family lovingly slaughtered and runs to Texas where everything's bigger. He's hired to kill the local, Mexican immigrant hating would-be senator, but IT'S A TRAP! that is intentionally foiled, setting Machete on the run and making the senator's ratings skyrocket!

That's quite an interesting premise, the movie quickly unfolds from the beginning to be a very action driven campaign with the goal of being a total grindhouse boogaloo into goreville on the back of a tractor reaping bodies with Machete blades, if you'll excuse the analogy. So in the end the plot seems rather shallow, Machete chops limbs off, a guy gets impaled by high-heels, the angry Mexican Rambo rappels down a hospital level with a guys intestines(I am not shitting you, people). Oh, and I almost forgot. The sex. There's lots of sex, he ends up getting laid at least 3 times, I want to say. As a friend of mine I went with so eloquently put it, "Damn, he gets more pussy than Bond!". Well said, Anthony, well said...

*BONUS* 

Lindsay Lohan as...HERSELF! She appears as one of the main protagonist's daughters, she is either wasted, nude, or both. The whole time.

So in essence you get a Modern Grindhouse that is COMPLETELY unabashed to have a shallow storyline, unlikely violence, fast pace, and LOTS of Mexicans. If you're an action-junky, I recommend it. If you like to laugh and crudeness does not deter you in the least, Then you would be smart to not let this movie pass by. In fact, I liked this movie, A lot. My only real complaints are that, while the action and comedy kinda did make up for the story, I still like a story. At some points you could see the plot a mile away, just think, "Hmm, what would a total badass do, and given that he will most likely survive it all, how will it happen?"

Beyond that, In terms of acting, Danny Trejo does as well as a complete action badass since the beginning of time could of done, Jessica alba...well she just didn't do well at all. She stumbles over the Spanish language when she speaks it in a way that you can tell she's an actor reading a script. Robert De Niro does a passable job as a corrupt, cowardly senator, Jeff Fahey does a great job playing the film's bad guy chasing Machete half the movie and barking at his underlings, and Steven Segal does a good job at being a fat crime lord who stays out of the film for 90% of it. He's hilarious in the end though. This ain't shit.

Go watch this movie if you have the time, not worth going out of your way, but if you're a grindhouse fan that likes over-the-top Tarantino-esque violence on a redonkulous level, this is for you, my friend.

With regards, Grimsy