Grim and Random

Grim and Random!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hah-hah-hah! Velcome fellow bloggers, guess vat time it is! Time for b-horror friday! Today ve have one movie to vatch! One, Hah-hah-hah!

The horror scoop:

Corny roleplaying aside, Today's feature is Frankenhooker! I can tell you 5 minutes in it's horrible. Great b-movie material, and it doesn't take itself too seriously either.

So genius boy, very ironically named Jeffory Franken, is cooped in his house while his father is having a birthday. He's messing around with a pet brain, giving it a lobotomy. His ma and pa have this "Oh he's just a special boy" attitude toward a guy who experiments with live brains and performs illegal surgery. He's an electrician that is a self proclaimed bio-electric surgeon, oh and he's been kicked out of med-school. TWICE. So this cool cat decided to get his pa an automated lawn mower he made himself. His fat fiance, Elizabeth(who's played by a rather fetching chick with her underwear stuffed to the point she's got a fat midsection) is showing it off and accidentally mows herself over, mulching her and splattering everyone with gratuitous gore, yaaay gore! There ends the movie intro.

Well he makes off with her head(quite literally, in all senses that you can take that sentence). It's the only part he can salvage and decides to remake his bride-to-be's body in his own visage. So he sketches out the most bitchin' bio-electric-robot-human-ever, then gets a bunch of prostitutes from the local club, because in new jersey there's prostitutes EVERYWHERE, and buys them all out to go to his place. He feeds them a SUPER CRACK(dun-dun-dun) that causes them to asplode into dozens of sew-able pieces to make his girl. Oh and there's lots of boobs. Mmm, boobs.

He finally pieces together his dear Elizabeth out of a dozen whores and the moment of truth approaches! At this point we're about an hour into the movie, less than half an hour remains, a bit of a disappointment to be honest that it took this long. So she's raised in all her glory, for some odd reason she's got elevated Frankenstein shoes and a white face with purple hair, but whatever! She's alive again! Huzzah! Oh and she sounds like some stereotypical city girl raised by Fran Drescher, her voice is annoying as all hell. One redeeming point is that she makes some of the most goofiest faces I have EVER seen. I'm sorry but the first time she made it I feel like she probably did it in the first take and the director finally finished laughing, "Oh god...really? Really??? No no, your fine, we'll keep i-HAHAHA, oh, no really it's fine dear. Keep on doing it, rolling!"

She runs off after knocking Jeffery out and goes out looking for some action. One can infer from how she repeats what the hookers said before they blew up that she's reliving the memories of the prostitutes and not Elizabeth. She tries to hook up with an overenthusiastic and rather short, fat guy who looks a bit like Danny Devito(sounds like him too, doesn't it?), aaaaaannnd he blows up. Well this tirade goes on for 20 minutes of horrible sexy explosions until the jig is up and Jeffery gets her back, fixes her and all seems well, for a short while. Then-a-pimp-named-Zorro kills Jeffery as he professes his love for his lost bride.

The grotesque, somehow-not-at-all-deus-ex-machina mutated prostitute parts left in the room then decided to kill Zorro and Elizabeth brings Jeffery back as a prostitute, The end.

The Verdict:
Well this made me cringe. Quite a bit. As far as b-horror goes this is probably in the mid range of the scale. I mean it's got horrible acting, cheap graphics, terrible plot, bland jokes. I can't imagine this making much at all when it was released, Even with 20 collective years behind it. I can't really imagine it getting much of a cult following either, but it's not unwatchable. It rates as an average, b-movie. Definitely not what you would use to define the genre, but not one you'd hide away in a dark cavern and try to deny the existence of.

What I learned:
-I don't kill hookers, the crack does
-Super crack also makes you explode 
-Literally drilling a hole in your head makes you think clearer 
-Wearing a suit and giant horn-rimmed glasses in a New Jersey whorehouse is a good way to fit in
-Zorro is an acceptable pimp name
-Exploding hookers don't have blood
-Gluing and welding body parts together is an acceptable and working form of surgery
-Disembodied heads can talk like normal

Worthwhile quotes:
-A wonderful monologue he goes on when talking to his mother shortly after the loss of his fiance:
"Something's happening to me that I just don't understand. I can't think straight anymore, like my reasoning's all distorted, y'know? I seem to be disassociating myself from reality, more and more, each day. I'm antisocial, becomming dangerously amoral. I've lost the ability to distinguish from good and bad, right from wrong. I'm scared ma, and I feel sometimes I'm plunging forward into some kind of black void..."

To which she responds, "do you want a sandwich?" (/dry-humor-face)

-(While measuring a hooker's 'lactiferus gland') "Now divide by pi..."

-(While hookers are smoking the crack) "You're like cats with catnip!"

-"Wanna date? Going out? Lookin' for some action? Need some company?"


  1. hmm. this has inspired me to go and find regular hookers.

  2. It's saturday, what else could you possibly do?

  3. as much as you imagine you speak the truth. As much i am hoping for ithis to poop out! :D

  4. Franken Hookers... that's just bad..

  5. supporting this !

  6. Supportin!

    Follow me bros.

  7. holy shit you now have another follower.

  8. Wellp, looks like I'll be downloading this movie from luelinks tonight.

  9. Very cool blog!
    Nice i like it Supportin & follow you!

  10. Zombie is a serious business.
    i like zombie hookers. they can choose what they want to nom.


  11. I really really like this blog. Not kidding that was a solidly funny review.

  12. Lol the whole background story for that movie is terrible ;p

  13. Cool story, bro! Following and supporting!

  14. Yooooooo

  15. glad you watched it in in the end :]

  16. definitely b-movie gold. gotta love it

  17. Goddamn, a witty blog about horror monsters and their ilk. I love it. In fact, I love it enough to follow it.

    Also, in case you're interested, I have a blog as well. It's the life story of a badass told in the style of a classic American tall tale, like Paul Bunyan or Pecos Bill, only he's born in 1950s Americana. It's a fusion of the fantastical (semi-sentient bears for instance) with the real (the Vietnam War). Looking for actual readers rather than clickers/supporters, so if you like what you see, stick around. :)