Grim and Random

Grim and Random!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Haiku's for horror!

Good friend Mr. Lantel showed me this good time waster game, I did a bunch of Haiku's I want to share.

He'd cut you into
A bloody mess anytime
You visit the grave

Rear of the town yeah
In the dark alleys, skulk them
They want your flesh and...

Gut you like a pig
Down squealing dying tonight
Make my day worm, die!

Ray in the dungeon
Why oh why oh why oh why
Save me, he's coming

Bleed for the mad hoard
Zombies swarming in the zone
No escape for you

The doorstep, baby
Werewolf come knocking tonight
Done deal join us love

In between the gum
Chewing and chewing on it
I love the taste, flesh

Post your own! I want to hear them =)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Big plans, big plans indeed

Plotting and scheming will get me oh so very far...

So A few movies I got lined up. Of course I've still got Hard Rock Zombies slated for Friday, no need to worry. This week I've got a number of 'maybes' but I do intend to do 'Midnight movie'.

A 1970 bunch goes to see a movie at midnight, the murders onscreen are real, happening in the VERY theater. Good low budget horror, heard good things about it and intend to let you know when I get my hands on it.

I also plan to watch "Demonic toys", "Puppet Master", then "Puppet Master vs Demonic toys" tomorrow. So if all goes well I should have a review within the next two days for you. OH and I plan to see Devil in theaters sometime, I can't promise it will be good but I'm interested nonetheless.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Horror for the 360

An hour away from the midnight hour here, and all is silent. The perfect setting for dark and disturbing things to happen, but tonight I do not post about the myriad of things that go bump in the night. Tonight, I bring you a holiday movie that I saw earlier this week, a dreadful thing, really.

So I saw this at a buddy's house on his 360 via netflix(worth the money, trust me), and I couldn't stop shaking my head and covering my eyes. It's horrible, the film is completely unabashed, it's $3,500 budget shines through in every facet. The acting is purposefully dreadful, the jokes are corny to the point of laughing when you really shouldn't.

It's what would be considered an independant horror film, which is different from a b-horror! (In your FACE Victor!) The whole point is to be terrible, in fact the turkey is a sock puppet. It's not even remotely hidden. There's a part where a guy is in the middle of porking the standard slutty character who dies halfway in the movie, when the turkey stabs him with a knife, then starts going at it with the girl, who is facing the opposite way unaware. The Turkey finishes, the girl turns around to hear, "YOU JUST GOT STUFFED, BITCH!" and he snaps her neck...somehow. They later find both characters dead and an extra-extra-small gravy flavored condom wrapper.

This is not a movie you dare take seriously, or with high standards. It felt like I was watching a college students video club project, but the moment I stopped even trying to rate it, I felt a guilty chuckle, then an unabashed but certainly shameful laugh escape my throat at every joke, I highly recommend this movie to kill an evening. Watch it with a few buddies if you want a laugh.

Next up, whenever I have time, I WILL be doing hard rock zombies. A few friends of mine have been suggesting a number of movies, I think I'll try to have a grindhouse movie for friday, I know it's not the actual definition of grindhouse, but for the purposes of this blog anything over the top gore/sex, budget doesn't matter.

Grimsy six feet under and out.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hah-hah-hah! Velcome fellow bloggers, guess vat time it is! Time for b-horror friday! Today ve have one movie to vatch! One, Hah-hah-hah!

The horror scoop:

Corny roleplaying aside, Today's feature is Frankenhooker! I can tell you 5 minutes in it's horrible. Great b-movie material, and it doesn't take itself too seriously either.

So genius boy, very ironically named Jeffory Franken, is cooped in his house while his father is having a birthday. He's messing around with a pet brain, giving it a lobotomy. His ma and pa have this "Oh he's just a special boy" attitude toward a guy who experiments with live brains and performs illegal surgery. He's an electrician that is a self proclaimed bio-electric surgeon, oh and he's been kicked out of med-school. TWICE. So this cool cat decided to get his pa an automated lawn mower he made himself. His fat fiance, Elizabeth(who's played by a rather fetching chick with her underwear stuffed to the point she's got a fat midsection) is showing it off and accidentally mows herself over, mulching her and splattering everyone with gratuitous gore, yaaay gore! There ends the movie intro.

Well he makes off with her head(quite literally, in all senses that you can take that sentence). It's the only part he can salvage and decides to remake his bride-to-be's body in his own visage. So he sketches out the most bitchin' bio-electric-robot-human-ever, then gets a bunch of prostitutes from the local club, because in new jersey there's prostitutes EVERYWHERE, and buys them all out to go to his place. He feeds them a SUPER CRACK(dun-dun-dun) that causes them to asplode into dozens of sew-able pieces to make his girl. Oh and there's lots of boobs. Mmm, boobs.

He finally pieces together his dear Elizabeth out of a dozen whores and the moment of truth approaches! At this point we're about an hour into the movie, less than half an hour remains, a bit of a disappointment to be honest that it took this long. So she's raised in all her glory, for some odd reason she's got elevated Frankenstein shoes and a white face with purple hair, but whatever! She's alive again! Huzzah! Oh and she sounds like some stereotypical city girl raised by Fran Drescher, her voice is annoying as all hell. One redeeming point is that she makes some of the most goofiest faces I have EVER seen. I'm sorry but the first time she made it I feel like she probably did it in the first take and the director finally finished laughing, "Oh god...really? Really??? No no, your fine, we'll keep i-HAHAHA, oh, no really it's fine dear. Keep on doing it, rolling!"

She runs off after knocking Jeffery out and goes out looking for some action. One can infer from how she repeats what the hookers said before they blew up that she's reliving the memories of the prostitutes and not Elizabeth. She tries to hook up with an overenthusiastic and rather short, fat guy who looks a bit like Danny Devito(sounds like him too, doesn't it?), aaaaaannnd he blows up. Well this tirade goes on for 20 minutes of horrible sexy explosions until the jig is up and Jeffery gets her back, fixes her and all seems well, for a short while. Then-a-pimp-named-Zorro kills Jeffery as he professes his love for his lost bride.

The grotesque, somehow-not-at-all-deus-ex-machina mutated prostitute parts left in the room then decided to kill Zorro and Elizabeth brings Jeffery back as a prostitute, The end.

The Verdict:
Well this made me cringe. Quite a bit. As far as b-horror goes this is probably in the mid range of the scale. I mean it's got horrible acting, cheap graphics, terrible plot, bland jokes. I can't imagine this making much at all when it was released, Even with 20 collective years behind it. I can't really imagine it getting much of a cult following either, but it's not unwatchable. It rates as an average, b-movie. Definitely not what you would use to define the genre, but not one you'd hide away in a dark cavern and try to deny the existence of.

What I learned:
-I don't kill hookers, the crack does
-Super crack also makes you explode 
-Literally drilling a hole in your head makes you think clearer 
-Wearing a suit and giant horn-rimmed glasses in a New Jersey whorehouse is a good way to fit in
-Zorro is an acceptable pimp name
-Exploding hookers don't have blood
-Gluing and welding body parts together is an acceptable and working form of surgery
-Disembodied heads can talk like normal

Worthwhile quotes:
-A wonderful monologue he goes on when talking to his mother shortly after the loss of his fiance:
"Something's happening to me that I just don't understand. I can't think straight anymore, like my reasoning's all distorted, y'know? I seem to be disassociating myself from reality, more and more, each day. I'm antisocial, becomming dangerously amoral. I've lost the ability to distinguish from good and bad, right from wrong. I'm scared ma, and I feel sometimes I'm plunging forward into some kind of black void..."

To which she responds, "do you want a sandwich?" (/dry-humor-face)

-(While measuring a hooker's 'lactiferus gland') "Now divide by pi..."

-(While hookers are smoking the crack) "You're like cats with catnip!"

-"Wanna date? Going out? Lookin' for some action? Need some company?"

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

B-horror movie night decided!

Just a micro-post, my dear b-bloggers. So I'm 99% sure that the pathetic poll(woo 5 votes!) results mean that Frankenhooker is the winner. Expect a review by tomorrow midnight. Grimsy Owwwwwwwwwwt!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What should I review for B-horror Friday?

So I've decided I'm going to watch one of these three movies: Blacula, Frankenhooker, Hard Rock Zombies. I may or may not watch all three, but I'll do a review on the winner and maybe the followup. My review I'm still trying to think how I'll work out, I mean there's really no such thing as a good b-horror movie, in terms of quality. I'll think of something. Oh, also honorable mention and props to Smitty who suggested Cannibal Holocaust, which is more of a grindhouse movie, but I think I may have a grindhouse night every now and then so don't count it out just yet!

It really doesn't get more iconic than this, Dracula's soul brotha coming to get your blood in the night. He's been made fun of in a variety of contemporary shows, such as the Venture bros. It's the first thing that came to mind when I thought b-horror.

Ok, so I'm a little uneasy at how recent this is, it's only 20 years old, but the b-horror element is definitely there, a guy loses his fiance in a freak lawnmower accident and makes a new one out of the best parts of a number of new york hookers, but it all goes pear shaped...duh duhn DUNNNN!

If you don't like hard rock then get the hell out. So a hard rock band goes to this little town with all sorts of horrible creatures of the night, killer dwarves, sex perverts(wut?), werewolves, and hitler(double wut?) and get killed by nazi sex perverts. A local girl brings them back as zombies to save the world. Yeah...sounds like a normal day for me.

Whelp, that's all there is to it. Let me know guys,

Monday, September 6, 2010

I liiiiiive!

Dear readers, living and dead alike. I would like to apologize for being inactive the last couple of days, I've been dealing with some serious real life problems, but I've finally got some time to get on and post.

To kickstart this post I've got a few undead suggestions for you all! Starting with the wonderful Zombie survival guide! This book is unbelievably well thought out, it's a help manual for if the dead break loose, it offers suggestions from what to pack, where to hide, where NOT to hide, and how to dispatch of the dead if you end up facing them, mano y mano!

The main thing that really resonated with me throughout the book was that he made the zombie virus, Solanum, something not fully understood, it was written at a perspective from someone who does not know what it is, just how it works, leaving plenty of room for backstory, which is explored in World war Z! It is written from many different perspectives as if a massive zombie outbreak(one that is classified in the survival guide) occurred.

The perspectives range from military commanders distraught at the failure of conventional tactics, random people of all level's of society across the world fighting to survive, or even people who used the mass media fear to profit and live in seclusion. Either way, I highly recommend both books, and at a price for $9.99 individually it really isn't that much of a hit to your pocket. You can always go check your library too I guess, but it's worth the read, even if you aren't a heavy reader.

However this is not all, I have an important announcement in regards to this blog, I gave it some consideration and realized I need something static, so I'm going to find a b-horror/grindhouse/otherwise "so shit it's good" movie, as a dear reader so aptly put, and do a review. Probably bi-weekly. You can expect the first review by wednesday, I'll probably do it tomorrow because I'm off.

Ciao until then, If anyone has any particular suggestions or want me to do anything, by all means tell me!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Figurines and such!

Hullo Hullo, I'm back. Like a promised.

Anyone recognize THESE? I've been scouring the internet after watching Machete, trying to find an iconic way to remember the movie, how better than memorabilia? Well I found these little dandy figurines...guess where they're from!

Yes yes, it's Grindhouse! Well as you may or not know Machete was originally a trailer before Grindhouse. It finally came to fruition as a full fledged movie recently. Well there's already Machete Action figures too!

 I've never really been much of a merch junkie, but goddamn are these figures sexy, I'd but them for the novelty and make a stand in my room for them, kinda pricey though.

While we're on the topic I really REALLY want to get this dark take on red riding hood figure! Come on, a dark Red riding hood slicing open the wolf and her grandmother falling out? Dark fairy tales are the best kind

Ok, thanks for letting me splurge like that. I put these in my evergrowing wishlist folder for stuff I want. In other news syfy has a movie coming out later this year, it's called Sharktopus, and it hits waters near you september 25th, 9 p.m.(8 central). You better believe I'm gonna be there watching it! A horrible, modern b-horror, low budget, horrible acting, bad cgi movie about a shark genetically spliced with an octopus to be a killer in the WWII days that gets loose and starts killing people!

Anyways, stay tuned my loyal followers, I hope you all decide to watch Sharktopus with me. Until we meet again, in the immortal words of Emo Philips: Thank you for being my friends!

A look at things to come(25 follower milestone as well)

Greetings and Exhumations, dear friends! A good buddy of mine, Mr. Lantel has made a blog recently. Knowing him it will probably be of an indie persuasion, either way I heartily recommend just dropping in at the qwerty quarter and saying hello.

Beyond that, If I have the energy tonight(a 50-50 shot I guarantee you) I will probably, maybe, kinda sorta change the theme of my blog to more of a grindhouse/b-movie exploitation look. I won't limit myself to movies alone, however, as my post(which I WILL make) tonight will prove.

Beyond that, thank you everyone for your continued support, I hit 25 followers sometime last night, and I'm quite excited. Stay tuned tonight!

Much love, Grimsy.

Mah-Shet-Ay! Spoilers!

Ok, ok ok. Having a lot of troubles at home, not the least of which was my internet/cable going out. Soooo I got a buddy who works at the movie theater two minutes away to let me in to the midnight premier of Machete!

 This movie is about an ex-federale(Danny Trejo) who is backstabbed, survives after seeing his loving family lovingly slaughtered and runs to Texas where everything's bigger. He's hired to kill the local, Mexican immigrant hating would-be senator, but IT'S A TRAP! that is intentionally foiled, setting Machete on the run and making the senator's ratings skyrocket!

That's quite an interesting premise, the movie quickly unfolds from the beginning to be a very action driven campaign with the goal of being a total grindhouse boogaloo into goreville on the back of a tractor reaping bodies with Machete blades, if you'll excuse the analogy. So in the end the plot seems rather shallow, Machete chops limbs off, a guy gets impaled by high-heels, the angry Mexican Rambo rappels down a hospital level with a guys intestines(I am not shitting you, people). Oh, and I almost forgot. The sex. There's lots of sex, he ends up getting laid at least 3 times, I want to say. As a friend of mine I went with so eloquently put it, "Damn, he gets more pussy than Bond!". Well said, Anthony, well said...

Lindsay Lohan as...HERSELF! She appears as one of the main protagonist's daughters, she is either wasted, nude, or both. The whole time.

So in essence you get a Modern Grindhouse that is COMPLETELY unabashed to have a shallow storyline, unlikely violence, fast pace, and LOTS of Mexicans. If you're an action-junky, I recommend it. If you like to laugh and crudeness does not deter you in the least, Then you would be smart to not let this movie pass by. In fact, I liked this movie, A lot. My only real complaints are that, while the action and comedy kinda did make up for the story, I still like a story. At some points you could see the plot a mile away, just think, "Hmm, what would a total badass do, and given that he will most likely survive it all, how will it happen?"

Beyond that, In terms of acting, Danny Trejo does as well as a complete action badass since the beginning of time could of done, Jessica alba...well she just didn't do well at all. She stumbles over the Spanish language when she speaks it in a way that you can tell she's an actor reading a script. Robert De Niro does a passable job as a corrupt, cowardly senator, Jeff Fahey does a great job playing the film's bad guy chasing Machete half the movie and barking at his underlings, and Steven Segal does a good job at being a fat crime lord who stays out of the film for 90% of it. He's hilarious in the end though. This ain't shit.

Go watch this movie if you have the time, not worth going out of your way, but if you're a grindhouse fan that likes over-the-top Tarantino-esque violence on a redonkulous level, this is for you, my friend.

With regards, Grimsy

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

So my hero, Rob Zombie, put this on his own site and I just wanted to share it with you. If anyone's seen House of a thousand corpses or the devil's rejects you'll recognize this man immediately. Sid Haig, one of the greatest(in my own opinion) classic villain actor's. 

Well I found this a bit humbling in it's own right, I man the guy's got a cult following, there's no doubt about it. He's pretty dang tall too...

In recent news Rob Zombie is currently working on two movies, One is the remake of the classic cult-horror film 'the blob', which if any of you are too young/lazy, is about an amorphous blob that lands on earth from outer space and starts dissolving all the people and the city that it comes in contact with.

His other movie, Tyrannosaurus Rex is apparently(not confirmed) about  a wrestler named Tyrannosaurus Rex(Whodathunk?) who is on the run from a biker gang from hell. If that's what it really is you gotta love that man's ideas.

Grimsy, out.

Yet another gem I would like to share with my friends.

Hello, and greetings dear followers. Another old piece I'd like to share with you all is a rather dark twist for a popular comic we all know. There was a Halloween special comic of Garfield, where he dies.

Here's a ytmnd video of it, song is Bonnie Brae by Twilight singers, great band. Just saying.

Anyways, I'm sure this scared a LOT of people out of their wits. On a bit of a lighter note for all of you,  there's an interesting and rather goofy comic focusing on taking old Garfield comics and removing Garfield to a rather surreal humor effect.

Ok so I've got a bit better of an idea what I'm doing.

Well after some deliberation I decided I'm moving this blog in a sort of horrer-esque/dark themed blog. No not something so droll as goth. Just a blog for horror junkies I suppose.

Anywho, the next thing is an oldie but a goodie. Anyone here a fan of Rob Zombie? I am. His house, is amazing. I would give up an arm, a leg, and a few other things to have one like it.

No, look at that, his pirate themed bar is awesome, but his movie room...can you imagine what it's like now? Come on dear followers, I want your opinions on this, anyone else got a better house to share, I'd love to see =)

Handy device

So there's a neat little device I found, that makes a 3d world and keeps track of your hits. The pc gamer clan I run with had it on their website so I nabbed it for myself.

I know there's probably a better place for it than the bottom left of my blog but, c'est la vie. I am lazy.
I actually am kinda guilty of using it for myself. I like checking it when I'm on to get an idea where a lot of you are from, and it's rather amusing to me.

I just started this blog and I've gotten a few folks in canada, one on the other side of the globe and a few scattered throughout the US of A.

I want to know where all my perspective friends are in the weeks to come. Please, I encourage you all to use it, it's free and made to help you all out.

Movies movies movies!

So I've been watching quite a few, for lack of a better term, horror movie trailers the past week, and a few have caught my eye. You can be sure that when they come out I'll be seeing them probably within their debut week(schedule permitting) and leave a down to earth review for you all.


Seems a bit generic, I know, but hopefully the look and feel of the creatures coupled with (hopefully) inventive ideas will make up for a perspective lack in story. But the trailer begs the question...What did those glowing SHROOMS DO TO HIM?! That's what I want to know

Night of the Demon

I gotta admit to being a b-horror junkie, I saw pirhana 3d and liked it. *gasp, shock!* But the story on this one is the Broussard Mansion is haunted, 7 evil spirits need hosts to take over. Enter a bunch of raving meddling kids, sans talking dog, and let the horror begin! If they survive the night they save the world or some jazz. Gonna be honest the effects look kinda...cheesy.

Hatchet II

Ok, this one's a slasher film. In the first one, ugly deformed Victor Crowley is born and lives in the Louisiana Bayou (yeeeee-haaaw!). Tourists prank him on halloween by throwing fireworks in his house, he's trapped, dad tries to save him hatchets down the door he's behind, and brains him on accident. He kills a bunch of kids on Mardi Gras. Second one, the one survivor, knowing his story, goes back to kill the deranged kil...wait...this sounds familiar...