Grim and Random

Grim and Random!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It puts the vakra to the fifth chakra or it gets it's brains eaten again.

Do you know what this is? Tell me. You don't? It's the motherfucking zombie apocalypse. There's chaos on the streets, your neighbors are dead, your parents are in some other ass-backwards city-status unknown, and your friends are now your undead enemies!

Well you blistering dumbass you should of gone to zombie tools and prepared, now your food for Zak! Well it's alright, because knowledge is power, and I just loaded your slap-happy self with all you need to know. This site has all you need to have a field-day, my favorite, as if the title didn't give it away, is the Vakra. A kukri that's meant to go straight for the fifth chakra which resides in the throat.

But beyond the weapons(which to be honest aren't that expensive, or at least as much as I thought it would be) there's a few sweet T's I wouldn't mind getting like the undead Che Guevara. Nice touch, guys. Fuck the revolution indeed.

If anyone wants to get me an early Christmas present, by all means please help arm me for the inevitable invasion! I've got my location for bunkering down all mapped out, I just need the tools to make it through!

Where has the time gone?

Good gracious, it's been such a while since I've last posted. I've been busy, I just finished a string of delinquencies and after...I suppose you could say, some consequences not quite unforseen, I've started getting everything together. Got a new job and I'm working a 50 hour workweek right now, but I enjoyed blogging and want to try and fit in a few updates a week.

But I really don't mean to make excuses, this is mainly just an announcement the Grim and Random blogspot is back!

First on the plate is a nifty graphic novel I ran into today, I can hardly say I was merely exhilarated to find a comic of none other than The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks! It was a quick read but the morbid art and grotesque desiccated bodies is surely enough to give a zombie connoisseur a hard-on.

Well to wrap this up, I recommend it if you enjoyed the survival guide. Here's an old promotional video for it, enjoy!

The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks by Max Brooks from Crown Publishing on Vimeo.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Haiku's for horror!

Good friend Mr. Lantel showed me this good time waster game, I did a bunch of Haiku's I want to share.

He'd cut you into
A bloody mess anytime
You visit the grave

Rear of the town yeah
In the dark alleys, skulk them
They want your flesh and...

Gut you like a pig
Down squealing dying tonight
Make my day worm, die!

Ray in the dungeon
Why oh why oh why oh why
Save me, he's coming

Bleed for the mad hoard
Zombies swarming in the zone
No escape for you

The doorstep, baby
Werewolf come knocking tonight
Done deal join us love

In between the gum
Chewing and chewing on it
I love the taste, flesh

Post your own! I want to hear them =)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Big plans, big plans indeed

Plotting and scheming will get me oh so very far...

So A few movies I got lined up. Of course I've still got Hard Rock Zombies slated for Friday, no need to worry. This week I've got a number of 'maybes' but I do intend to do 'Midnight movie'.

A 1970 bunch goes to see a movie at midnight, the murders onscreen are real, happening in the VERY theater. Good low budget horror, heard good things about it and intend to let you know when I get my hands on it.

I also plan to watch "Demonic toys", "Puppet Master", then "Puppet Master vs Demonic toys" tomorrow. So if all goes well I should have a review within the next two days for you. OH and I plan to see Devil in theaters sometime, I can't promise it will be good but I'm interested nonetheless.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Horror for the 360

An hour away from the midnight hour here, and all is silent. The perfect setting for dark and disturbing things to happen, but tonight I do not post about the myriad of things that go bump in the night. Tonight, I bring you a holiday movie that I saw earlier this week, a dreadful thing, really.

So I saw this at a buddy's house on his 360 via netflix(worth the money, trust me), and I couldn't stop shaking my head and covering my eyes. It's horrible, the film is completely unabashed, it's $3,500 budget shines through in every facet. The acting is purposefully dreadful, the jokes are corny to the point of laughing when you really shouldn't.

It's what would be considered an independant horror film, which is different from a b-horror! (In your FACE Victor!) The whole point is to be terrible, in fact the turkey is a sock puppet. It's not even remotely hidden. There's a part where a guy is in the middle of porking the standard slutty character who dies halfway in the movie, when the turkey stabs him with a knife, then starts going at it with the girl, who is facing the opposite way unaware. The Turkey finishes, the girl turns around to hear, "YOU JUST GOT STUFFED, BITCH!" and he snaps her neck...somehow. They later find both characters dead and an extra-extra-small gravy flavored condom wrapper.

This is not a movie you dare take seriously, or with high standards. It felt like I was watching a college students video club project, but the moment I stopped even trying to rate it, I felt a guilty chuckle, then an unabashed but certainly shameful laugh escape my throat at every joke, I highly recommend this movie to kill an evening. Watch it with a few buddies if you want a laugh.

Next up, whenever I have time, I WILL be doing hard rock zombies. A few friends of mine have been suggesting a number of movies, I think I'll try to have a grindhouse movie for friday, I know it's not the actual definition of grindhouse, but for the purposes of this blog anything over the top gore/sex, budget doesn't matter.

Grimsy six feet under and out.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hah-hah-hah! Velcome fellow bloggers, guess vat time it is! Time for b-horror friday! Today ve have one movie to vatch! One, Hah-hah-hah!

The horror scoop:

Corny roleplaying aside, Today's feature is Frankenhooker! I can tell you 5 minutes in it's horrible. Great b-movie material, and it doesn't take itself too seriously either.

So genius boy, very ironically named Jeffory Franken, is cooped in his house while his father is having a birthday. He's messing around with a pet brain, giving it a lobotomy. His ma and pa have this "Oh he's just a special boy" attitude toward a guy who experiments with live brains and performs illegal surgery. He's an electrician that is a self proclaimed bio-electric surgeon, oh and he's been kicked out of med-school. TWICE. So this cool cat decided to get his pa an automated lawn mower he made himself. His fat fiance, Elizabeth(who's played by a rather fetching chick with her underwear stuffed to the point she's got a fat midsection) is showing it off and accidentally mows herself over, mulching her and splattering everyone with gratuitous gore, yaaay gore! There ends the movie intro.

Well he makes off with her head(quite literally, in all senses that you can take that sentence). It's the only part he can salvage and decides to remake his bride-to-be's body in his own visage. So he sketches out the most bitchin' bio-electric-robot-human-ever, then gets a bunch of prostitutes from the local club, because in new jersey there's prostitutes EVERYWHERE, and buys them all out to go to his place. He feeds them a SUPER CRACK(dun-dun-dun) that causes them to asplode into dozens of sew-able pieces to make his girl. Oh and there's lots of boobs. Mmm, boobs.

He finally pieces together his dear Elizabeth out of a dozen whores and the moment of truth approaches! At this point we're about an hour into the movie, less than half an hour remains, a bit of a disappointment to be honest that it took this long. So she's raised in all her glory, for some odd reason she's got elevated Frankenstein shoes and a white face with purple hair, but whatever! She's alive again! Huzzah! Oh and she sounds like some stereotypical city girl raised by Fran Drescher, her voice is annoying as all hell. One redeeming point is that she makes some of the most goofiest faces I have EVER seen. I'm sorry but the first time she made it I feel like she probably did it in the first take and the director finally finished laughing, "Oh god...really? Really??? No no, your fine, we'll keep i-HAHAHA, oh, no really it's fine dear. Keep on doing it, rolling!"

She runs off after knocking Jeffery out and goes out looking for some action. One can infer from how she repeats what the hookers said before they blew up that she's reliving the memories of the prostitutes and not Elizabeth. She tries to hook up with an overenthusiastic and rather short, fat guy who looks a bit like Danny Devito(sounds like him too, doesn't it?), aaaaaannnd he blows up. Well this tirade goes on for 20 minutes of horrible sexy explosions until the jig is up and Jeffery gets her back, fixes her and all seems well, for a short while. Then-a-pimp-named-Zorro kills Jeffery as he professes his love for his lost bride.

The grotesque, somehow-not-at-all-deus-ex-machina mutated prostitute parts left in the room then decided to kill Zorro and Elizabeth brings Jeffery back as a prostitute, The end.

The Verdict:
Well this made me cringe. Quite a bit. As far as b-horror goes this is probably in the mid range of the scale. I mean it's got horrible acting, cheap graphics, terrible plot, bland jokes. I can't imagine this making much at all when it was released, Even with 20 collective years behind it. I can't really imagine it getting much of a cult following either, but it's not unwatchable. It rates as an average, b-movie. Definitely not what you would use to define the genre, but not one you'd hide away in a dark cavern and try to deny the existence of.

What I learned:
-I don't kill hookers, the crack does
-Super crack also makes you explode 
-Literally drilling a hole in your head makes you think clearer 
-Wearing a suit and giant horn-rimmed glasses in a New Jersey whorehouse is a good way to fit in
-Zorro is an acceptable pimp name
-Exploding hookers don't have blood
-Gluing and welding body parts together is an acceptable and working form of surgery
-Disembodied heads can talk like normal

Worthwhile quotes:
-A wonderful monologue he goes on when talking to his mother shortly after the loss of his fiance:
"Something's happening to me that I just don't understand. I can't think straight anymore, like my reasoning's all distorted, y'know? I seem to be disassociating myself from reality, more and more, each day. I'm antisocial, becomming dangerously amoral. I've lost the ability to distinguish from good and bad, right from wrong. I'm scared ma, and I feel sometimes I'm plunging forward into some kind of black void..."

To which she responds, "do you want a sandwich?" (/dry-humor-face)

-(While measuring a hooker's 'lactiferus gland') "Now divide by pi..."

-(While hookers are smoking the crack) "You're like cats with catnip!"

-"Wanna date? Going out? Lookin' for some action? Need some company?"

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

B-horror movie night decided!

Just a micro-post, my dear b-bloggers. So I'm 99% sure that the pathetic poll(woo 5 votes!) results mean that Frankenhooker is the winner. Expect a review by tomorrow midnight. Grimsy Owwwwwwwwwwt!